Attractive And Over 22? Odds Are, She’s Not A Virgin
According to the CDC, the average age at which a woman in the US loses her virginity is 17.1 years of age, which means literally half of the girls are no longer a virgin within a month or so after turning 17. By the age of 20, some 76% of them are no longer virgins and by age 22 that jumps to 86% which means there’s only 14% who are still virgins. The virgins past that are, as a rule, either very intelligent, very ugly or have strong convictions about sex before marriage. Those are not necessarily three separate groups.
As has been explained before, sex with an eligible virgin results in marriage. Whether she agreed to it or not, whether she knew it or not. That means if she’s not a virgin she’s married and no, she doesn’t know that. So… why are you interested in some other guy’s wife? Oh, right. She doesn’t know she’s married and doesn’t understand how or why because she was never taught. Someone needs to explain things.
Dating Foreplay: Ensuring She’s No Longer Married
This is very similar to sharing the Gospel. It may surprise you, but the vast majority of Christians have never shared the Gospel with anyone and wouldn’t know how if they tried. If you were to ask them what the Roman’s Road was they wouldn’t know and even if they recognized it only a few would be able to explain it. And the ones who have those 5 verses memorized? There might be one or two in your church. Maybe. And it’s so simple, all it takes is being able to do napkin theology:
Think of this as a strange form of missionary dating, because this is your reality. If you’re a Christian man who wants to get married you will have to deal with this because the likelihood of meeting a virgin over the age of 25 that you would want to marry is slim. Very slim.
Sharing the gospel takes practice if you’re going to be effective. You have to know your material, cold, and have the verses memorized. You know, like you actually care enough to memorize it?
It’s the same thing with Dating Foreplay. Part of the problem with sharing the Gospel is it can be difficult for someone to recognize their condition and be able to confess being a sinner. Even more difficult is handling the issue of the woman not being a virgin (translation: YOU SLUT!) and on top of that being an adulteress. Prepare and understand what this is all about, because it isn’t a virgin vs whore paradigm, it’s an eligible vs ineligible paradigm. The problem with the woman who isn’t a virgin is that except for rare exceptions, she’s married, doesn’t know it, never agreed to it and doesn’t want it. That’s a problem and the first part is similar to a doctor telling a patient they have cancer: their first reaction is to refuse to believe it.
The explicit instruction of Genesis 2:24 is that for a man, the act of inserting his penis in a woman’s vagina is both his consent and his commitment to marry her. Every time. This gets interesting because the Bible does not restrict a man to a single wife, anywhere. Men marry a woman with the act of sex and are not restricted to a single marriage, which is why there is not a single passage in Scripture that prohibits a man from having sex with any eligible woman, except one. Just one. That’s 1st Corinthians 6:15-16, which forbids a Christian man from having sex with a prostitute.
Virgins don’t have agency, which is a nice way of saying that according to the Bible their consent is irrelevant to being married. The proof of that is Deuteronomy 22:28-29, which states that raping a virgin results in marriage to her. But what happens if an eligible woman is not a virgin? She has agency, which means her consent is required in order to marry her. Her consent to have sex is NOT her consent to marry, it’s just sex, it’s not prohibited and it’s not a sin.
If you try to explain that to the average woman … you’ll see something like this:
Everything in this post hinges on her father being alive because if her father isn’t alive it’s a much different problem- at that point getting out of the marriage depends on her husband being a non-Christian. That gets complicated quickly and isn’t something that can be dealt with by a single phone call and her father saying seven words.
Keep in mind that the fastest way to destroy a woman’s attraction to you is to share the Gospel with her. With Christian women, as a rule her attraction toward you DIES as soon as you seriously talk about what the Bible says because of the twin issues of guilt and judgment. This is because she’s been taught that all the erotic things she’s been thinking about doing with you are WRONG and she doesn’t want to be judged. The truth of what the Bible says contradicts everything she’s ever been taught, but her parents, pastor and teachers will all tell her this is crazy and they’ll preach the party line. What to do?
You Must Seduce Her
The irony in this is off the scale, because you’re flipping the script on Satan. Your most powerful ally will be her rationalizing hamster and her solipsism will take care of the rest.
Build attraction, comfort, more attraction and at some point this has to be presented as something of a compliance test. If she’s attracted she’ll play along but if she’s not prepared, somewhere around half-way to three-quarters of the way through she’ll get really nervous. Which is why you have to prepare her. Alcohol is also useful, but only in moderation.
The preparation starts with what falls in the realm of “conspiracy theory” and there are a lot of good ones. One example you can tie in with all the crazy political stuff today:
Did you know there was a plot to overthrow the US government during the great depression? It’s true. General Smedley Butler was picked to lead a force of US veterans to take over, but he contacted the authorities and shut it down. It was a group of the richest and most powerful men in the country, who believed those in charge were destroying the country. They were so powerful that nothing was done and the history books hardly even mention it.
The place you’re going with this is all the crazy stuff the Catholic church teaches and it’s a target rich environment. The simple truth is the church claims the Pope is infallible and they can’t admit they were ever wrong about anything, no matter how crazy it is. With a good foundation laid, start with something along the lines of
“The whole “sex doesn’t make you married, there has to be a ceremony” thing? That was something the church made up and used during their war on the nobility back in the middle ages. What the Bible actually says is that a woman is married to the guy who took her virginity, whether she knew it or not. But the thing is, God knew girls would get seduced and He gave them a way to end it with seven words. But churches today won’t mention that stuff because then they’d have to admit almost everything they teach about sex and marriage is wrong and it’s possible to have sex outside marriage and not be in sin. They’d rather have most people in the church living in adultery than admit to that.”
Keep in mind you are talking to an adulteress. If she’s not willing to deal with that by asking her father to annul the marriage, your only legitimate response is “Next!” and move on. If she’s teachable, proceed. Again, I approach this from the standpoint that you’re a Christian man and you’re interested in marriage and family. This is a deal-breaker, right up front. It’s like an STD with a 1-shot cure. If she’s in denial and won’t take the cure, they only thing you can do is walk away.
Two Keys To Understanding
The first is the fact that yes, sex does make you married. The easiest “cut to the chase” way of explaining this is to use the New Testament to interpret exactly what the Old Testament said back in Genesis 2:24.
The second is that her father has the authority to annul her marriage because he didn’t give his approval beforehand. But, and this is important, only if she did it when she was in her youth living in his house. That boils down to being under his authority, not having “left home” so going to college on his dime still counts in terms of being under his authority.
There is a progression here, first one has to understand that yes, sex with a virgin does make her married to the guy who did it. THEN we go to Numbers 30:3-5
“Also if a woman makes a vow to the LORD, and binds herself by an obligation in her father’s house in her youth, and her father hears her vow and her obligation by which she has bound herself, and her father says nothing to her, then all her vows shall stand and every obligation by which she has bound herself shall stand. But if her father should forbid her on the day he hears of it, none of her vows or her obligations by which she has bound herself shall stand; and the LORD will forgive her because her father had forbidden her.”
I’ve never been asked if that authority extended to getting married, verse five seems to be enough. However, the point of the text is that it refers to a vow to the Lord. Obviously a vow to the Lord is of more consequence than a vow to your neighbor, so if the father has the authority to annul a vow to the Lord then he has the authority to annul a vow to anyone else. And if the Lord forgives her because her father has forbidden it, everyone else must forgive her as well. Her father has forbidden it.
Still, the question might come up as to whether the father has the authority to annul her marriage to a man in the day he hears about it (which would always be after the fact) and Scripture definitively answers that question. In Exodus 22:16-17 we have the situation in which a man seduces a virgin who is not engaged (she’s eligible to marry) and has sex with her. Nobody questions the fact that according to Genesis 2:24 they are married, but her father has something to say about that. In verse 16 the father doesn’t object to their marriage, which is why she’s referred to as his wife. In verse 17, her father refuses, annulling her marriage and they are no longer married.
Then we have the situation of Deuteronomy 22:28-29, in which the woman was raped. If they were discovered, meaning there is witness to the fact she did not agree, they are married. Nothing is said about what happens if they are not discovered and in that situation the father decides the issue. Perhaps she did agree.
At any rate, the only way her father can’t annul the marriage is if she were discovered being raped. That’s important because of the number of women today who claim to have been raped as children and the issues surrounding that. Oh- and that means two or more witnesses, one isn’t enough.
These two points are not difficult to comprehend, but dealing with the idea that as far as God is concerned… she’s married… that’s difficult for her to wrap her head around both intellectually and emotionally. However, the point is that it’s a problem that can be fixed and now all she needs is some encouragement to get the problem fixed.
The Action That Must Be Taken
It doesn’t matter what her father believes, it doesn’t matter what he knows, Scripture says that if he forbids it in the day he hears of it, her marriage is over. Seven words.
I Forbid Your Marriage To ______ _______
If her father is a Christian (and probably even if he isn’t) then I can say with a good deal of certainty that he didn’t want her to have sex before she got married. Yes, she was married the moment she had sex, but the point is her father wanted that marriage to be one she wanted and walked into with her eyes wide open. Not one entered into in ignorance.
What does it cost him to say those words? Nothing.
“Dad, I’m going to ask you to do something for me, and it’s really important to me. It’s more important than you can imagine. I want you to tell me I can’t marry ______ _____. Seriously, I want you to say “I forbid your marriage to ______ ______.” Will you do that for me? Will you say that and mean it?”
I find it hard to believe any father in this day and age would refuse. He will no doubt be curious, but even if they have a bad relationship, he will say the words. After that, she needs to ask his forgiveness because when she gave that guy her virginity it was an act of rebellion against him. She may not be able to do so, but if she can then it will be the beginning of healing in their relationship. Healing neither of them may have known they need.
For any married men, don’t do this. If you’re married, go directly to your father-in-law and deal with him yourself. There are a lot of reasons for that, but if you have any trouble in your marriage you don’t need your wife suddenly being morally turned loose. “What? We were never married? Yippee!” And that’s just the beginning. Are you previously divorced? Want to try explaining to your wife that her “divorced” Christian husband is still married to his 1st wife and she’s wife #2? I will cover dealing with this subject within the context of already being married in a later post. Right now I simply don’t have any data to rely on.
And one other thing. This issue is more explosive than any I can think of and in a situation in which nobody likes the message and it really can’t be argued with, as a rule the messenger gets shot. Or churches split when an ambitious young leader sees the opportunity to develop his own niche. Sorry, when he develops a conviction about it.
Putting It All In Context
After her talk with her father, you may find she has a need to confess. She has a need to confess because what she really needs is forgiveness and absolution. Deal with it, because by the time this is over you will have an emotionally intimate relationship. You might find a little prodding helps: “Anything else you want to get off your chest while you’re in confession mode?” If she feels comfortable (meaning you’re not giving her a judgmental vibe) she will and you’ll get to listen to it, make appropriate noises and give her the restoration she needs.
Now she needs to understand the position she’s in. She’s not a virgin and she’s not married. She will never again be married without knowing it because she now has to give her consent before she can be married. So, if she has sex with an eligible man it’s just sex, it’s not prohibited and it isn’t a sin. There isn’t any obligation and she isn’t married until she agrees to marry, but that was also the last time her father can annul her marriage. Because she’s no longer in her youth and living in his house.
Foreplay is now complete, she is eligible to marry. She’s not a virgin so that means if you two want to give sex a test drive you can, but be careful. What I’ve just described can be a very emotionally bonding experience and if you drop sexual intimacy into that mix you may be setting yourself up for some serious pain. Because hypergamy doesn’t care and she may decide to take a few guilt-free rides on the carousel. On the other hand, you have your conscience to deal with and your conscience might let you know it would be wrong to have sex with her, even though it’s not prohibited. Or you may be convicted the right thing to do is remain chaste. If that’s the case then it’s sin for you to have sex with her.
As far as the pain goes, you don’t know how she will process this and it may not go the way you think. But, at the end of the day, what alternative do you have? You do your part and let the Lord do His part. Even if she goes off the deep end she’s no longer in adultery and she’s better off because of you.