As we’ve learned in previous posts, the potential for your sex life isn’t quite what the church would have you believe. You’re not limited to a single wife and it’s quite possible to have sex with a woman you’re not married to and not be in sin. In fact, what the Bible permits in dealing with the women of today is exactly in line with what is expected in modern courtship rituals… But that’s a bit of a delicate subject and we need to discuss it, because not all women are the same. However, the one thing you need to understand, first and foremost:
For a Man, the Act of Coitus IS the Act of Initiating Marriage.
In other words, you give your consent to marry and actively initiate the marriage when you choose to drop trou and engage in the act of marriage with any eligible woman.
We’ve already covered the concept that the virgin has no agency when it comes to marriage, inasmuch as sex with a virgin is an automatic marriage whether she consented or not; and likewise, she can have a marriage she has already willingly consummated annulled against her will by her father. There’s not a whole lot of women’s empowerment going on there and that makes feminists scream with outrage. It isn’t actually men they’re angry with, it’s God. They don’t like the place to which He assigned them, as women, destined to be under the authority of a man.
To really hammer that point home, if you were to do a serious read of Deuteronomy 22 (the infamous “rape” chapter) you’ll notice something interesting- there are only three classes of women mentioned:
- Virgins betrothed
- Married Wives
Now, if you’ve been paying attention you’ll know that a betrothed (engaged) virgin is legally married. That is, she’s on contract for delivery of (her) goods at a date and time set certain and not to be touched until then. I suspect that for this reason she’s referred to as a “wife” in the text.
Outrageous as it sounds, not only does the crime of rape appear to actually be the crime of forced adultery, but there is another class of women that isn’t mentioned at all in Deuteronomy 22, for whom the crime of rape evidently does not apply. Notice there is not mention of women who are not married and not virgins. (Now do you see why I identify this as “forced adultery” rather than rape?) That would include the widows and divorced women, as well as any women who for whatever reason aren’t virgins and don’t fit into those two categories. The penalty for forced adultery is death, but since the virgin in verses 28-29 wasn’t betrothed, instead of the death penalty for the man who violated her, he has to marry her. Not only that, but he has to pay the father a hefty amount and he can never divorce her all his days. Can you smell that large and chunky stew of poetic justice cooking on the back burner?
But, what about the women who aren’t married and aren’t virgins? Is it a crime to force them to have sex? The best answer I have is that there is certainly an offense (see Leviticus 19:20-22) for which there would be punishment, but the death penalty isn’t authorized for such a crime because it’s not adultery. For a woman who is not a virgin and not married, it appears the crime of being forced to have sex against her will is only an assault on her person. For a married woman, it is the violation of family and by extension the community.
In a previous posts on Biblical Sexual Morality, we found that because the man is authorized to initiate marriage and the way a man initiates marriage is to have sex with a woman, there is no prohibition under the Law on a man having sex with any woman he is eligible to marry. Another man’s wife isn’t eligible to marry, so sex with her is prohibited as adultery. Likewise, you can’t marry your close blood relative so sex with her is prohibited as incest. For Christians, 2nd Corinthians 6:14-15 is another of those restrictions that apply only to Christians.
Do not be bound together with unbelievers
Christians are forbidden to be bound together with unbelievers, which specifically means marrying an unbeliever, but in principle it can also mean a Christian is not to enter into any partnership (business partnerships, for example) with unbelievers. However, for the purposes of this post we’re only talking about marriage. Since the act of marrying a woman is to have sex with her, it follows that Christian men are not to have sex with unbelievers.
How do we know if she’s a believer? Scripture gives us a handy litmus test, found at 1st John 2:3-6. This is verse 3-4:
By this we know that we have come to know Him, if we keep His commandments. The one who says, “I have come to know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him
Just because she says she’s a Christian doesn’t mean she actually is. If she is then her life should reflect it, and that applies to the guys too. As the question was once asked, “If you were accused of being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?” I think that was D James Kennedy of Coral Ridge Ministries who used that years ago in a crusade, but I may be wrong. Still, it’s a really good question to ask.
One of the pearls of “manosphere wisdom” is “don’t stick your dick in crazy,” which is the secular version of what the Bible is teaching when it says “do not be bound together with an unbeliever.” As it turns out, the Apostle Paul didn’t leave it at that, because as we know, an unmarried woman who isn’t a virgin has agency- she has to consent to marry in order for the act of sex to be the consummation of her marriage. Which, as it turns out, was the “loophole” in the Law that allowed men to use prostitutes without being in sin. An example of that is Samson using a prostitute in Judges 16:1-3. In doing so Samson was not in sin and he didn’t violate his Nazerite vow (witness that the Spirit of the Lord was with him after he got done with her because he ripped the city gates off the walls and schlepped them for many miles, all the way up a mountain… maybe she wasn’t that great of a lay and he was upset about it).
But, as you’ve probably already guessed, there are plenty of Bible commentators who will do anything to preserve the narrative. They will jump through linguistic hoops and postulate plausible theories to explain how Samson didn’t actually have sex with that woman. That’s because they can’t handle the authority of the man to initiate marriage and the fact that the Law did not prohibit a man from having sex with an eligible woman. Did Samson bang her? Of course he did! And he didn’t do anything wrong when he did!
No Whores. Don’t Do It.
In 1st Corinthians 6:15-16, Paul closed that “loophole” in the Law, but just for Christians:
Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”
The first thing that comes to mind in reading this passage is that joining one’s self to a whore is a problem because she is the problem and some even see a prohibition on women working as prostitutes in this. Yet, that passage has to be taken in context with 2nd Corinthians 6:14-15, the command not to join yourself to an unbeliever. So, don’t join yourself to an unbeliever, don’t join yourself to a whore. Now we’re ready for a beta white knight to ride in and tell us that Christ can do all things and He can reform a whore and turn her into marriage material. I’ll agree with that, emphatically, that HE can do that but you can’t. I respectfully suggest Paul was saying the same thing.
Notice that Paul is citing Genesis 2:24 and pointing to the responsibility that accompanies the authority the man was granted there. Yes, men have the authority to initiate marriage and marriage begins when you stick you dick in it, which is why you aren’t prohibited from sticking it in any eligible woman. But, with authority comes responsibility. The thing is, the authority granted for the purpose of purchasing a field to plow and plant also gave him the right to rent and just plow away without planting (hopefully, anyway). That, however, wasn’t God’s design. Genesis 2:24 specifically begins with the words “For THIS REASON” and Paul is restricting things a bit to keep Christian men on the track to marriage.
The book of Hosea specifically emphasizes the point that you can’t make a wife out of a whore, so why are you sticking you dick in it? Because your good, faithful Christian wife is busy turning you into an incel and you want to get sex and maybe inject a little dread game? GET ANOTHER WIFE! I’m sure some beta incel will read this and think “That’s not true! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” as he lovingly glances at his New King James Bible before returning his attention to his computer and prepares to fap to porn. I’m not speaking to those guys because they’re asleep and won’t wake up until they’re ready. If ever.
With all that in mind, let’s talk about the different classes of eligible women: Virgins, used goods, sluts and whores. Some would say that there’s only virgins and used goods, but Scripture makes it pretty clear that the used goods market has some specific categories.
Virgins: The original marriage material, comes stock with a tamper-proof seal, designed to be broken with the first use. Break it and you’ve bought it, she’s now your wife, period and end of discussion.
Used Goods: Women who were married and for whatever reason no longer are. There are different grades of such women depending on how used they are and what condition they’re in, so this, like buying a used car, is definitely a case of “caveat emptor.” Now, because of current conditions under which everyone was lied to and taught that sex does not make you married, bear with me. Because women who aren’t virgins are in all likelihood married and don’t know it, and that includes the women who think they’re widows or divorced. Some women who think they’re single or married are actually widows, but in almost all cases they’re either randomly committing adultery or established adulteresses (Romans 7:2-3)
Widows: A legitimate widow is a woman with an N=1, she was married to her husband until he died. She hasn’t committed adultery and (unless she’s a black widow) she didn’t do anything wrong to make her a widow. She’s eligible to marry.
Divorced Women: A former wife, legitimately divorced for her immorality (unchastity), she has an N=+2 (we don’t know how many guys she committed adultery with before her husband caught her and gave her the boot). Still, she’s eligible to marry.
Be sure to write when you meet one of these women who were virgins when they married and are now either widows or legitimately divorced by their unbelieving husband for their adultery (or abandoned them for whatever reason), because the odds are that they’re few and far between. We start off with the fact that only around 5% of the women are virgins when they marry, but we’ll say 10% just to keep things cozy. Did they marry a Christian man? Using some general numbers and being generous, we’ll say that of the Christian women, only about 25% of them married a man who was not a Christian.
That means 75% of them were Christians and any divorce they have is illegitimate, she’s still married to him according to 1st Corinthians 7:10-11. If she was married to an unbeliever and she divorced him for any reason, the divorce is illegitimate and she’s still married to him. If he divorced her for any reason other than her immorality (unchastity) then the divorce is illegitimate and she’s still married to him, but this one could fit into the abandonment rule of 1st Corinthians 7:15 so it’s legitimate. Since women file about 70% of the divorces we’ll just say that *all* divorces by unbelieving husbands are legitimate, either for adultery or cases of abandonment.
Boil all that down and we have 10% (virgins at marriage) times 25% (married to unbelievers) times 30% (the ones legitimately divorced by their husband). That comes out to the stunning 7.33 divorcees out of every 1000 divorced “Christian” women are actually legitimately divorced and eligible to marry.
What’s the death rate for men, in general, between the age of 25 and 40? According to the Social Security Administration’s Actuarial Tables, right at 2.3% of them are going to die within that time period. So, if 10% of the women were virgins when they married and only about 2.3% of the husbands die young, that means only 23 out of every 1000 women married to men between the ages of 25 and 40 become widows and only about 3 of them are eligible to marry. By the same token, we can also assume that of every 1000 of these women who are unknowingly and unintentionally married, about 23 of them are actually widows because their real husband has died.
What does all that mean? Nothing, really. What it comes down to is the question of whether she was a virgin when she officially got married or not. If we guestimate that 10% of these good Christian girls managed to keep their legs crossed prior to their official marriage, it means that 879 of the so-called widows and divorced women are actually still married. I got that figure by multiplying the 90% who were not virgins by the 977 men between ages of 25 and 40 who were still alive. Yes, it’s quick and dirty, I’ll give it a 5% margin of error either way, but that’s somewhere between 82.9% and 93.9% of the widows and divorced women you meet are actually married and don’t know it.
WISDOM IS CALLED FOR
The problem with widows and divorcees is they’re emotionally bogged down in their personal narrative and have major official baggage. It’s far better to focus on the so-called “single” women and look at what we actually see out in the field.
The Good Girl (kind of). Married, doesn’t know it, thinks she’s single, low N-count (2-5), lightly used in adultery. She’s never had a one-night-stand (ONS), only slept with her boyfriend after making him wait for it, has never been in a threesome (!) of any kind (!!!) and will somewhat shamefully admit that she’s not a virgin any more. This is the reasonably good girl (most likely a Christian) that passes for marriage material these days. You need to help her with her unintentional marriage before touching her, but this is the kind of girl who (mostly) associates sex with marriage. This is the woman who will probably be most resistant to hearing the truth about Genesis 2:24, but it all depends on where her heart is. This one might work well for monogamy if she’s repentant.
Verdict: Lightly used, has potential for monogamy as a poor second choice to a virgin.
The Girl Next Door. This group represents the majority. She’s married but thinks she’s single and has a mid-range N-count (1.5 per year after she got started) of adulterous unions. She’s had a couple of ONS’s but mostly has only hooked up with guys she was serious about. She’s never been in a threesome but for the right guy she’d be willing. As with the low N-count girl, she’s got an unintentional marriage and needs help with that. Her risk, however, is higher than the low N-count girl simply because God is not mocked. Whether she knew it or not, she was committing adultery and she probably grew up in a church and at one level or another she knew what she was doing was wrong. She’s a slut but she’d be both outraged and horrified to be identified as a slut, much less an adulteress. This woman could be one one side of the border or the other between associating sex with marriage and associating sex with having a good time. This woman is probably not a good bet for monogamy, polygyny would be a better choice.
Verdict: Well used, but damaged goods. Consider carefully and test thoroughly before considering monogamy with one of these.
The Single Mom. Like the others, she’s married and doesn’t know it. She proudly shepherds her thuglets around to display the fact she didn’t abort them. In her case, it isn’t the sexual history so much as the tangible fruit of her sexual escapades that causes the problem. She will not be marrying you to create a family, rather, you’ll be marrying into her already-established family in which her first loyalty will be to herself, then to the children some other man gave her, then to any children you might give her and you’ll be dead last on her loyalty list. When you add to that the baby-daddy drama, you’d be better off trying to pull off a monogamous marriage to a batshit crazy party girl.
Verdict: Wisdom is calling, screaming at you: RUN!!!!! Yes, it sounds bad, but just remember that when she gets done destroying your life, you’ll be paying child support on another man’s child. Avoid single mothers at all costs: they are the worst of all worlds.
The Party Girl. Married, doesn’t know it, thinks she’s single and has been riding the cock carousel long enough that she’s got a high N-count. This girl has done it all and isn’t ashamed of it. It isn’t just she’s a slut (she’s probably proud of it), it’s that she’s unknowingly an adulterous slut and the only saving grace of the whole affair is her husband doesn’t have any idea of the extent to which his wife has cuckolded him. But, there’s a silver lining in this dark cloud, in that if she comes to an understanding of the magnitude of what she’s done she might just actually be repentant- as opposed to the “good girl” who will always rationalize the fact that she was “above average” in her morality. As if God grade on the curve. This is a woman who has self-selected for polygyny inasmuch as she’s demonstrated a willingness to share a guy with other women.
Verdict: Seriously damaged goods, completely unfit for monogamy, best handled only by experienced cat-herders.
The Quid Pro Quo Whore. As with the others she’s married and doesn’t know it, but while her approach to sex is just as mercenary as that of a paid whore, she doesn’t see it that way. For her, sex is a quid pro quo situation that’s “understood” (whether it be better grades, a raise, a promotion, drugs or paying the overdue rent) because that’s just what women do. As Sidney Biddle Barrows so famously said “I have nothing at all against prostitution. Some of the nicest women I know married for money.” Identify them as soon as possible and avoid them like the plague. They tend to be on the crazy end of the spectrum (NPD and BPD) and these women can totally screw up your life while feeling good about it. “He OWES me!”
Verdict: Don’t walk away, run. Avoid at all costs.
The Real Whore. “Please place your ‘gift’ (in an envelope) on the dresser as you enter the bedroom.” This one is specifically forbidden to Christians and Paul didn’t mention payment- he said don’t do it.
Verdict: Forbidden Fruit. You’re not Christ, so forget it.
As you’ll have noticed, the general rule of thumb is that if she isn’t a virgin then in all likelihood she’s most definitely married to the guy who got her virginity. Your first order of business is to determine her status and if she’s got one of those unintentional marriages, help her get rid of it. If you can and the marriage is terminated, carry on, you may proceed. If not, end it right there because she’s a married woman.
Seriously, guys, you either believe the Word of God or you don’t. Regardless of the woman’s sexual history, if she doesn’t care enough about what Scripture says to believe it enough to act on it, she’s just communicated very clearly that she’s failed the litmus test of 1st John 2:3-4. She’s not a Christian and since you’re not to be bound to an unbeliever, cut your losses and leave.
Next, we’re going to look at modern dating strategies and the biggest challenge to Christian dating: the boundary hunt.