How a woman responds to the statement “You need to be spanked” speaks volumes about her attraction to you, the possibility you might have a future relationship or perhaps the likelihood your current relationship will continue. And that’s a good thing.
But before we begin, this post is about masculine dominance and submission, not punishment and pain. Women are attracted to dominance and men are attracted to submission. Attraction is the coin of the realm and as a rule, a woman chooses to submit to a man based on her attraction to him. The willing submission to physical discipline is the ultimate expression of both dominance and submission. All other things being equal, if he has what it takes, she will choose to submit herself to that. If he does not, she will not willingly do so.
The problem men have in choosing a woman to commit to is sorting them out. Deciding which category they go in is can be difficult, but to put any woman in the “keeper” category she really needs to have at least a good amount of attraction for him and she needs to have a desire to submit to him. Those are two different things.
Both of those points are dependent on the man’s perceived fitness to rule. How willing or eager she is to get undressed and how badly she wrecks his bed once she’s there often says a lot about her attraction. There are plenty of women who might cheerfully wreck your bed, especially if you have money, but that’s an imperfect measure of attraction. After all, some women get paid to do that sort of thing, cash up front. Then there’s the old saying “crazy in the head, crazy in bed” and it’s a fact that women who are batshit crazy can and will wreck your bed on the road to wrecking your life. Others are willing to wait for the divorce for the big payoff and you want to avoid those. You definitely don’t want to be a “starter husband.”
The area of submission is a different measure of attraction. Sex is one thing, but obey him? Different story. While a woman’s physical attraction is largely driven by his alpha dominance, her submission is driven by the total package of both alpha dominance and beta comfort and loyalty, which is best described as his fitness to rule her.
Biblical submission is begins with obedience and is really about submission not to obedience but to being held accountable for that obedience. By definition, a woman who allows herself to be held accountable for her obedience to her husband is in submission to him. The amount of obedience a wife gives her husband is irrelevant if she refuses to accept his accountability for those points at which she does not obey him. That begs the question of what the standard she submits to is. The best answer is that it’s his standard that she’s required to keep and will be held accountable to. That’s what that passage in Ephesians means when it talks about wive submitting to their husbands in “everything.”
Everything? Or Everything Except THAT?
There is a spectrum for submission that could be described as the “Everything But THAT” scale. Discounting moral issues, the bigger the list of “that” a woman has, the lower her willingness to submit and be held accountable. But, how do we measure this?
After the marriage is way too late to find out how attracted and submissive she actually is. Interestingly, I find this issue is neatly encompassed with the woman’s reaction to a single statement:
“You know, you really need to be spanked.”
The response indicates to one extent or another the combination of both her attraction and her willingness to submit to the man. Wait until she violates one of your standards, look her in the eye and say it in all seriousness. How she responds will speak volumes for where any relationship is or might go, so think of it as a spectrum.
(0-4) On the low end of the scale is the reaction of contempt and taking offense. How dare you! This indicates she sees your value as low and you didn’t make the cut. There is only one wise response: Next!
There are women who say “I would never allow a man to spank me” and of those I’d say they either haven’t met the man who triggers their attraction point, or they’re personalizing it and thinking of the man they have at the moment. And some women might have real baggage in this area, in which case saying that might trigger a panic attack. Use your best judgment, but in general if you hear something like “you will never…” or she takes offense, she’s just told you all you need to know. Next!
(4-5) Somewhere in the middle she’ll joke about it, but that’s as far as it goes. Her attraction might be growing and she doesn’t know what she thinks yet. Observe her behavior. Is she acting like a brat intentionally? She may be telling you she needs to be spanked. Make the point that she is asking to be spanked with her behavior and watch what happens. It will not stay at this point, it will either drop to taking offense or it will get upgraded to a shit test.
(6-8) If she turns it into a shit test, she’s attracted and the man has to pass the test by requiring her to submit to a spanking. Not forcing her, she has to submit to it. And this is a world-class shit test.
If she refuses, she’s testing to see how the man handles her refusal to submit to him. Next! is the only move for the man.
If she submits at that point or if she returns in submission later, you passed the test and now you have a new one, which is how you handle the spanking you’ll have to give her. Despite it’s popularity, 50 shades is not an instruction manual.
(9-10) If instead of turning it into a shit test she agrees she needs to be spanked and asks when you’d like to take care of that, and she’s serious… The question is whether she’s so attracted that she desires to be fully in submission, whether she has a desire to be spanked or whether it’s a combination of both. And there’s nothing wrong with spankos- they are delightful creatures, they just need to be handled differently due to their desire to be spanked. For a woman who desires physical discipline, getting a spanking is a reward, not a punishment. This can create huge problems if it’s not understood that she wants to be spanked and if you love her you’ll do it.
What you cannot do is think of spanking as a punishment for such a woman. Because it is something she desires, you must reframe it as a reward or she will “brat” in order to get her spanking. You will literally be rewarding bad behavior.
Many women and most men will object to this for many different reasons, but if a woman is sufficiently attracted to a man and desires to submit to him, she will submit. From that point on it’s his game to lose. For those men who have a moral objection to using sex as their personal litmus test of attraction, this is a substitute. You’ll wind up having sex afterward, but you’ll do it knowing she’s a keeper.
The truth is if a woman is honest with herself, she’ll admit that at least some man exists for whom she will get undressed and with tingles running through her body… lay across his knee in anticipation of having her bottom turned cherry red. But, only rarely does one find a woman who can admit she would do so for the man she is with. She may love him and she may even be in love with him… but not like that.
The Objections Of Men
There are also many reasons why a man might object to this, chief among them is the claim that women are adults and should not be spanked. Nothing could be further from the truth. When men object, as a rule the objections are driven by fear. They know the woman they are with would never allow such a thing to happen, which only leaves one of two paths to take. Either they acknowledge their woman is just not that attracted to them, or they come up reasons why it shouldn’t happen. Their wife or girlfriend will back them up on this 100%, knowing she would never allow him to do something like that and even claiming no man would ever be allowed to do such a thing to her.
If a woman is sufficiently attracted to a man who desires her, she will find a way to have sex with him. The medium is the message. It isn’t what she says or doesn’t say, it’s what she does. In the same way, a woman’s willingness to submit is also communicated by her behavior. If she’s attracted enough to the man, she will submit to that. Women who are in such a relationship usually enjoy the occasional reference, the playful swat on the ass, “the look” and other hints. The spanking itself? Not so much. However, it becomes part of the dynamic of the relationship and that expression of dominance makes a definite impression on the woman. Men reject this because of what it says about them as men and their lack of masculinity and dominance.
The woman who makes it clear that any form of discipline is unacceptable is communicating that regardless of what else the man might be, he doesn’t have what it takes to hold her accountable because she won’t put up with it. She might have sex with him, marry him, have his children and live with him but the message is she will not submit to him. Not that she won’t submit to any man, but she won’t submit to him. And as a rule, the man who doesn’t have what it takes will probably never have what it takes for the same reason the “friendzone” is a place from which men almost never escape.